No, That Was The Campfire, You Were Drunk.

I’m out of ideas. Now I just get stoned and write satire, and not very good satire. There is no substance left here.


The Ten Commandments (with commentary).

Do not have any other god before God.

And that means all your gods. No there isn’t this one guy, and this other guy that controls the sea, there is only one. We had the same problem the Akkadians. FFS, this book says we’re chosen and we get this land. I don’t care if you don’t think we’re really slaves from egypt. Well you can’t disprove it either.

Do not make yourself an idol.

But do make it a point to fluff your ego and show how moral and godly you are for being gracious enough to convert as many people as possible.

Sub Saharan “Michael”: “Yes, thanks for this book, but my family is still starving. Oh! I get it! If I hold this book you will continue to give us food. Tell the medicine man he’s no longer needed. Rejoice, They’ve bestowed upon us the gift of codependence!”

Do not take the Lord’s name in vain.

Unless you convince yourself the spirit of the lord moves through you, then it’s justifiable to    pander and commercialize it, so long as you puke up as much sanctimonious contagion into the populace as possible. That way, it keeps it interesting when the most hypocritical of you get caught with a hard drive full of child porn.

Remember the Sabbath Day and keep it holy.

Saturday? (Sabado) I’m pretty sure that’s Saturday. Right? From Saturn, the top of the Roman pantheon.  The one most replaced. Saturnalia moves ahead 8 days. Corrupted into Sabado in romance languages. Sunday Is for Solaris, which is a different “sun” entirely.

Honour thy Mother and Father.

And that means you WILL pass strait camp and NEVER be caught doing THAT again, or you’re going to live with your aunts with all the dogs that we don’t talk to.

Do not murder.

Unless it’s your job, but then it’s usually whitewashed as “duty”… and that offsets the solid moral absolutes, which are still defined…

Do not commit adultery.

Unless defined by the parameters of your relationship as “sharing”, “loaning”, or “bitch you did it to me first”.

Do not steal.

seems legit.  Oh yes, “unless they’re crying to be released of it.”

Do not bear false witness

Unless you believe it to be true, or make some other judgement call, or it’s censorship, truth omission, or if they’re not ready to know, don’t need to know, or if you’re a parent, or if you were paid to, or if you…

Do not covet.

No. Because if I don’t there’s a chance she’ll realize what a douchebag  I am. Especially because she can’t make decisions of her own and will start listening to her mother again.


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